The lost continent of Atlantis has been discovered, and the grammatically-challenged National Examiner reveals: “descendants of Atlantis still roaming the streets today.”
It’s probably too late for Atlantians to be accredited to compete in the Summer Olympics, but Atlantis survivors will be delighted to know that their homeland isn’t a mythological fiction after all - which is more than can be said for much of the offerings in this week’s tabloids.
Former kidnap victim and 18-year prisoner Jaycee Dugard faces a “new nightmare” and “desperate fight to protect her kids” after learning that her abductor may be eligible for early release . . . in 2036, at the age of 85. That’s actually when kidnapper Phillip Garrido would become legally eligible for parole, but since he was sentenced to 431 years behind bars, the Enquirer’s fears may be slightly overblown.
That’s equally true for Amal Clooney’s “secret pregnancy,” as the Enquirer claims: “George Clooney’s wife hoping a baby will save their rocky marriage.” Has she announced her pregnancy? Of course not! “Insiders have exclusively claimed” that she is expecting, which in reality means that a recent photograph of Amal showed her with the merest hint of a paunch, and in the mythical world of the tabloids that’s as good as a pink + on a pregnancy test strip.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have “Split!” according to the Enquirer cover, though inside the report backtracks to claim only that they “are on the brink of a nasty divorce.” Why? Because Rita allegedly threw a fit over her wardrobe selection at a photo shoot. Sure sounds like grounds for divorce to me.
Country singing star Kenny Rogers “tells all before he dies,” screams the Globe’s cover, though clearly he isn’t speaking to the Globe, and while he allegedly tells “a friend” of his unconsummated love for Dolly Parton and his obsession with cosmetic surgery, Rogers doesn’t tell us where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, the true identity of Jack the Ripper, or whether aliens built the pyramids - so strictly speaking he’s not telling all.
At least we now know where Atlantis is: at the bottom of the Mediterranean. This will come as a bitter blow to actress Shirley MacLaine, whose latest book ‘My Wild Oats Adventure’ explained at great length that Atlantis was in the Canary Islands off northwest Africa and that she was present when it sank without a trace, but you can’t argue with facts, and according to the Examiner scientists have definitively discovered Atlantis. Or at least, they’ve found remnants of the city. Well, actually, just a 10,000-year-old monument under water off the coast of Sicily. Okay, maybe it was just a lighthouse. Alright, it’s just a large stone with a hole “or an anchoring system,” scientists tell the Examiner. So that’s Atlantis for you: no marble palaces, grand forums or sweeping amphitheaters; just a large stone where you could tie up your ship.
Perhaps there’s less to this story than meets the eye, which is certainly true of the Globe’s report that actress Demi Moore and Britain’s Prince Andrew are enjoying a “hot new romance.” While that may well be Randy Andy’s dream, it’s simply a case of the duo being spotted together at the Chelsea Flower Show in London in May, and a lot of wishful editorial thinking. It’s also true of the Globe’s claim that Dolly Parton’s “boobs explode.” When did this shocking incident occur? “They nearly killed her in 1992,” reports the Globe, always first with breaking news.
And let’s not forget our fun funeral countdown for Nick Nolte, who now has only three weeks before he pops his clogs. Last week the Globe gave him four weeks to live, and we’ll be counting down each week. So exciting. I’m sure Nick’s finding this as entertaining as we are.
He could fill his final days reading Us magazine’s cover story on TV’s ‘Bachelorette’ star JoJo, who evidently had to think twice before accepting a suitor’s proposal of marriage. Shocking. Us magazine won’t disclose which lover JoJo chooses, because it has signed a confidentiality agreement with the show’s producers, but it happily describes contestant Jordan Rodgers as a “confident former NFL player,” and then reveals that she rejects a “once-confident man.” I wonder who that could be?
People magazine puts Britain’s Prince George on its cover and devotes six pages inside to the three-year-old who can barely form cogent sentences and has nothing to say, which makes for a thrilling read. People also devotes five pages to sandwiches - PB&J, turkey, egg, tuna and steak - which have about as much to say for themselves as Prince George.
Thankfully we have Us magazine’s crack reporting team to tell us that Alicia Vikander wore it best, actress Julia Stiles was taught to knit by Julia Roberts, Olympic swimmer Missy Franklin carries sunglasses, hair ties and lipstick in her Speedo backpack, and the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, take family camping trips, surf, golf, and post mail.
Not to be outdone by People mag’s sandwiches, the Examiner brings us two glorious pages of deep-fried food from America’s fairgrounds, including deep-fried Oreos, cheese curd, beer ravioli, watermelon, avocado, butter, and chocolate-covered bacon. If Americans keep eating food like this, don’t be surprised if the U.S. follows Atlantis and sinks into the sea under the weight of its deep-fried obesity.
Onwards and downwards . . .